Prayer for Safety

Last night a house far away from us got robbed. This is not common here in Hopkins, but there have been a lot of outsiders in town because of resort someone is building on the North end of town. So, please just be in prayer... hopefully it is just a one time incident. Thanks.
I don't have a whole lot to say right now, this will probably be the last post before I get home. I have begun to let Belize settle in my soul. It is a sweet place, but Haiti is still my first love and has more of a family mentality... in Tricotte atleast. But there are lots of similarities... more to come later.

L

Beautiful sights and people

Hi everyone... this will also be short but I'll tell a bit of what we've been doing.
We painted three houses around the southern side of HOpkins village. Me and about 3 others or so have been going to Raheem, Cindy, and Destiny's house. They're the ones who the church has supported and helped cuz they have brittle bone disease adn lay on tables all day. :( It is sad, but at the same tiem the\y have so much hope. We painted the alphabet and numbers in the school room and also some characters... Winne the Pooh, Piglet, Junior Asparagus and Bob the tomato.
It has been realy fun because it's something I really love to do. I haevn't drawn free hand like that in a long time and so to accomplish something like this has been really rewarding. It feels really selfish, but it's cool because I'm not doing it for me and I can be free in how it turns out knowing anything I do is good enough. It doesn't have to be perfect.
I better go, time is running out...
i got the email to my mom... so no worries... thanks for the effort Erin.

Got here safe and sound!

This will be really quick, but things are going well. I'm at a little internet cafe here in HOpkins Belize. I haven't been feeling the greatest, but good enough to stillwork and play. But, at night it's hard tosleep.
Can someone email my mom this blog... her email is paljohn832@aol.com, yeah maybe that's not goodto put on the internet but i don't care... sure it'll be fine.

i don't know what else to write now... maybe be back ina day or tow..
love ya'll!

15 or so hours and counting....

(sigh) I don't have a lot of time to write because time is of the essence right now. I'm so glad that I had today off to get everything ready to go!
I just want to write a prayer in my entry today...

Lord,
You know my every wish and desire for this trip, some are even unknown to me, which you will reveal as I'm there. Help me to love on the kids as much as I can and be open to whatever the days may bring. You also know my fears and anxieties, take them away and let things go smoothly. Continue to prepare my heart and the hearts of the team members. Be my rock and my guide and comforter.
Prepare the new people we meet in Belize who have never even heard from Open Door, though we've been going to the village for so many years. Touch their souls and revive their thirsty hearts. May we minister with your love, with no expectation or agenda, just your spirit flowing through us.
May tomorrow at the airport go smoothly without a hic-up.
Just be with us.. and be with everyone here as well... I love you..
Amen

(i will be attempting to possibly get online in Hopkins Village, not sure exactly, but check if you'd like)

stressed...

Wow... things have been busy lately. It's really easy to get overwhelmed when I'm standing in a Walmart that is being transformed into a larger one. This means that everything is scattered about and hard to find. I went to Walmart instead of Target because you can get the same Sunscreen at both places, but wallyworld is always cheaper. But, is it worth the added stress? Sometimes it's hard to know... in any event I did go there and get my sunscreen and various other items. I hate it when it all adds up and you've spent WAY more than expected. I came home to figure out what I really needed and what I really didn't need.

All that to say I should update you about what our plans are whlie in Belize. It's mostly the same as what we would've done in Haiti. Paint and do crafts/games with the kids. But, the cool part is that in one of the buildings they do homeschooling in, they want letters, numbers, and shapes/animals, cartoon characters on the walls. Steve called me last week about it and that helped me a lot in focusing on something I can contribute. I now something tangible to look forward to while there.

My friend Tina reminded me of something as well... I told her of how I was disapointed because I would no longer be able to experience Haiti with new blood and hear their "first" reactions and what not. But, she says to me, "No, but you'll get to have those reactions in Belize for yourself." (caught me off gaurd) Huh, I never thought of it that way... I've been passing off Belize as just another place to go, not as a place that I've never been to that will have things to take in and let blow my mind. Or to just wonder and think about, as I would or did in Haiti. I forget that it may have the same flow...

So Lord, let me have an open mind in every aspect of the trip. Open my heart and mind to how different this culture will be and how you can touch me here as well. For the teams, Lord I pray that you will take away any rivalry(that is unjustified) or angst between them. You know each and every individual, work in their hearts and minds.

practicals that i forget to pray about.... Health and Safety!! I have been to Haiti 3 times and only been sick twice. Neither time did I hurl, so I just forget to ask for prayer in that health area. But, there's always potential for sickness, so I would ask for that as a big prayer!

Amen...
later...
me:)

Reactions

I've had a few days or more now to let the reality of this heart breaking news set in. It's a hard place to be in, that's still where I'm at. I really want to look forward to Belize, but it's a hard transition, especially being just two weeks away.
On Saturday I had a few grad parties to attend, two of which were members of the haiti team. I was a little nervous because I didn't want any specific questions asked of me about why we were having the emergency meeting. The first one was fine, but the second one cornered me. She asks this, "What is the meeting about, nobody will say anything, is it going to make me sad?" Dang, how do you respond to that, I suck at passing it off, even if I'm not lying... I had to just say "maybe"... what a dumb answer, she knew. But really, they all knew if they were smart enough.
Anyways...
The emergency meeting with our team and the original Belize team (fyi: there were originally two highschool missions teams.. one to Haiti, one to Belize) was hard. Steve announced the news and opened it up for anyone to talk and share what they thought and felt about it. The room was silent, I wanted to share, but didn't know exactly what to say anyways. I hate it when you think of things to say when it's too late. Like tonite I was just thinking how I could have told them that I was sad not only because I, myself couldn't go, but also out of not being able to experience it with them. As I've said in a previous blog, I was really excited to share the newness of it again with them... hear what they thought of certain things, etc.
It was also hard to hear the belize team members express concerns of how it was going to change their trip. I know they didn't raise the questions out of angst or what not, they were valid questions. They hit me hard though, because I don't want to be in Belize, just as much as they don't want anything to change their plans. But the reality is, it's going to be different for everyone, and as Steve and Paul said, embrace the "I don't know." Or something like that... There are a lot of questions that don't have answers.
A unique thing came up last night though, as I was sitting at a grad. party watching a video of a youth who went to Belize last year. A girl on my team was sitting next to me and her good friend(also on the team), while seeing the Belize pictures others in the room were reminicsing, but this girl needed to step away with her friend. (leaving out names, for privacy) I finished watching the video and decided to go and see if I could be of support. I knew it was hard for her to be excited about Belize because it was indeed going to be a different trip than last year that she was on. We are going to be on the opposite side of the village, not seeing the same people, etc. I found them talking and was able to listen and advise as much as I could, but more just let her feel what she was feeling. I let her talk it out and assured her that it was okay to be upset, and encouraged her to have that struggle and talk it out with God. We prayed and lifted up the whole team. It was a connecting time... which we all desperately needed. I do believe God placed me on this team for a reason, and this instance was just one of them.

One last reaction, or "noticing" if you will... I was able to articulate some feelings today and put them into words. A hard thing the whole time while planning for Haiti was that I felt like I didn't really know what Steve wanted from me as a leader. The one thing I knew I could lead on was the fact that I had knowledge of Haiti and could answer questions. Now, I feel even less needed, other than needing another adult for logistical reasons. That being said, I just wrote the previous paragraph and obviously know that there are reasons far greater than I understand. But, I'm human, so in my human realistic side it's hard being a leader and not having a clue about anything anymore.

one of my friends used these words in a prayer...
"Lord, help them to see that it is not a certain place they are serving you in, but your people they are serving." Though it's sad to not serve the people I love in Haiti, she is right that there are many other people who we will be serving. Prepare our Hearts Lord!

(my grammar as usual is really bad, my appolgies if this was hard or confusing to read)

tearful news...

It is with much sadness that I must post that Haiti is much too dangerous, we are no longer going. ;(
I heard a whisper yesturday of the very real possibility of this happening, but I truly did not let it in. How uncanny that the last time I blogged it was about how things are always changing. Even then, I tried to tell myself that things are not set in stone, but until it really happened I couldn't fully except the truth of the matter.
I heard the disapointing news today around 3:00 as I sat at my desk and picked up my cell to answer. Paul was on the other end and said he had some bad news. Knowing the whisper I heard yesturday, I told him I didn't want to hear it, and he said "I know, you don't want to hear it, but the fact is we can't go to Haiti." He probably said it a little softer, and also offered many condolences. I accepted them and to him, it may not have seemed like it affected me much. I think I was in a short state of denial... or just didn't have a whole lot else to say. I flipped my phone off and tried to finish what I was working on, but my mind was blank. In my denial and shock my first thought was, well maybe i don't have to get a typhoid vax. and I wouldn't have to call the doctors and be put on hold again. I quick called Paul back and asked him my silly out of the ordinary question(for what had just happened)... he couldn't remember what shots he got for Belize last year. Blast! That meant I still had to call the Travel Clinic and be put on hold AGAIN... ugh...
So, about five minutes passed and I was trying to fight the tears and feelings. I wanted to just wait until I left work, but I could feel the floodgates dripping so I quickly went to the bathroom. There, I let myself open the doors a little, but still couldn't let it all out because I didn't want pink puffy eyes. It was enough to let the initial shock set in and let the first emotions out. I don't know why I felt the need to mask it, because I know my co-workers would understand, but it just felt weird. So I went back to work as if I had heard nothing.
Paul had also wanted myself and Nancy to call the team members for an "important" meeting this sunday. I went ahead and did that, thankfully nobody asked why, I'm a terrible liar!

I was finally able to have a good cry while calling my mom to tell her, I really didn't expect the force of my tears. I've asked myself many times why my reaction is so great. I think it's a little bit like having a broken heart. Because, like the name of my blog Haiti=Love... it really is one of my loves, I have a passion for the place and the people... but also today, it is a place I hate... I hate their government, their "coo's", the poverty, the hopelessness. I hate that it seems like nobody can help them. I'm concerned about the haitians I know... Pastor Dio, Madame Dio, employees at Walls Guest House(though i think the owners are canadian), all the member's at Dio's church in Port-Au-Prince- Eben-Ezer Baptist Church, Frito Vil (my sponsor boy). From what I gather, it seems that Tricotte itself is usually safe being up in the mountains away from the uproar of the government. But, some of the kids who are now older could be in Gorman Town or Cap Haitien for school or for whatever other reason. So, I am concerned about them as well. Minkenson, Daniel, Frito, Jean-Daniel, and a few others who I know are older.
So, I've got a broken heart.... but this is my prayer (besides lifting up all those I've just mentioned)
Lord, you know my heart... mend it and make it a heart ready to serve you still... you knew this whole time where we were to be going. I believe that you have been working on us as a team and building us up for whatever comes our way... help us to eventually see what it is you were planning the whole time. Prepare the team for what they will be hearing on Sunday, bind the devil from planting cynicism(sp?) in their hearts. Especially the ones who were previously hoping to return to Mexico. Be with us all,
Amen