Reactions

I've had a few days or more now to let the reality of this heart breaking news set in. It's a hard place to be in, that's still where I'm at. I really want to look forward to Belize, but it's a hard transition, especially being just two weeks away.
On Saturday I had a few grad parties to attend, two of which were members of the haiti team. I was a little nervous because I didn't want any specific questions asked of me about why we were having the emergency meeting. The first one was fine, but the second one cornered me. She asks this, "What is the meeting about, nobody will say anything, is it going to make me sad?" Dang, how do you respond to that, I suck at passing it off, even if I'm not lying... I had to just say "maybe"... what a dumb answer, she knew. But really, they all knew if they were smart enough.
Anyways...
The emergency meeting with our team and the original Belize team (fyi: there were originally two highschool missions teams.. one to Haiti, one to Belize) was hard. Steve announced the news and opened it up for anyone to talk and share what they thought and felt about it. The room was silent, I wanted to share, but didn't know exactly what to say anyways. I hate it when you think of things to say when it's too late. Like tonite I was just thinking how I could have told them that I was sad not only because I, myself couldn't go, but also out of not being able to experience it with them. As I've said in a previous blog, I was really excited to share the newness of it again with them... hear what they thought of certain things, etc.
It was also hard to hear the belize team members express concerns of how it was going to change their trip. I know they didn't raise the questions out of angst or what not, they were valid questions. They hit me hard though, because I don't want to be in Belize, just as much as they don't want anything to change their plans. But the reality is, it's going to be different for everyone, and as Steve and Paul said, embrace the "I don't know." Or something like that... There are a lot of questions that don't have answers.
A unique thing came up last night though, as I was sitting at a grad. party watching a video of a youth who went to Belize last year. A girl on my team was sitting next to me and her good friend(also on the team), while seeing the Belize pictures others in the room were reminicsing, but this girl needed to step away with her friend. (leaving out names, for privacy) I finished watching the video and decided to go and see if I could be of support. I knew it was hard for her to be excited about Belize because it was indeed going to be a different trip than last year that she was on. We are going to be on the opposite side of the village, not seeing the same people, etc. I found them talking and was able to listen and advise as much as I could, but more just let her feel what she was feeling. I let her talk it out and assured her that it was okay to be upset, and encouraged her to have that struggle and talk it out with God. We prayed and lifted up the whole team. It was a connecting time... which we all desperately needed. I do believe God placed me on this team for a reason, and this instance was just one of them.

One last reaction, or "noticing" if you will... I was able to articulate some feelings today and put them into words. A hard thing the whole time while planning for Haiti was that I felt like I didn't really know what Steve wanted from me as a leader. The one thing I knew I could lead on was the fact that I had knowledge of Haiti and could answer questions. Now, I feel even less needed, other than needing another adult for logistical reasons. That being said, I just wrote the previous paragraph and obviously know that there are reasons far greater than I understand. But, I'm human, so in my human realistic side it's hard being a leader and not having a clue about anything anymore.

one of my friends used these words in a prayer...
"Lord, help them to see that it is not a certain place they are serving you in, but your people they are serving." Though it's sad to not serve the people I love in Haiti, she is right that there are many other people who we will be serving. Prepare our Hearts Lord!

(my grammar as usual is really bad, my appolgies if this was hard or confusing to read)