tearful news...

It is with much sadness that I must post that Haiti is much too dangerous, we are no longer going. ;(
I heard a whisper yesturday of the very real possibility of this happening, but I truly did not let it in. How uncanny that the last time I blogged it was about how things are always changing. Even then, I tried to tell myself that things are not set in stone, but until it really happened I couldn't fully except the truth of the matter.
I heard the disapointing news today around 3:00 as I sat at my desk and picked up my cell to answer. Paul was on the other end and said he had some bad news. Knowing the whisper I heard yesturday, I told him I didn't want to hear it, and he said "I know, you don't want to hear it, but the fact is we can't go to Haiti." He probably said it a little softer, and also offered many condolences. I accepted them and to him, it may not have seemed like it affected me much. I think I was in a short state of denial... or just didn't have a whole lot else to say. I flipped my phone off and tried to finish what I was working on, but my mind was blank. In my denial and shock my first thought was, well maybe i don't have to get a typhoid vax. and I wouldn't have to call the doctors and be put on hold again. I quick called Paul back and asked him my silly out of the ordinary question(for what had just happened)... he couldn't remember what shots he got for Belize last year. Blast! That meant I still had to call the Travel Clinic and be put on hold AGAIN... ugh...
So, about five minutes passed and I was trying to fight the tears and feelings. I wanted to just wait until I left work, but I could feel the floodgates dripping so I quickly went to the bathroom. There, I let myself open the doors a little, but still couldn't let it all out because I didn't want pink puffy eyes. It was enough to let the initial shock set in and let the first emotions out. I don't know why I felt the need to mask it, because I know my co-workers would understand, but it just felt weird. So I went back to work as if I had heard nothing.
Paul had also wanted myself and Nancy to call the team members for an "important" meeting this sunday. I went ahead and did that, thankfully nobody asked why, I'm a terrible liar!

I was finally able to have a good cry while calling my mom to tell her, I really didn't expect the force of my tears. I've asked myself many times why my reaction is so great. I think it's a little bit like having a broken heart. Because, like the name of my blog Haiti=Love... it really is one of my loves, I have a passion for the place and the people... but also today, it is a place I hate... I hate their government, their "coo's", the poverty, the hopelessness. I hate that it seems like nobody can help them. I'm concerned about the haitians I know... Pastor Dio, Madame Dio, employees at Walls Guest House(though i think the owners are canadian), all the member's at Dio's church in Port-Au-Prince- Eben-Ezer Baptist Church, Frito Vil (my sponsor boy). From what I gather, it seems that Tricotte itself is usually safe being up in the mountains away from the uproar of the government. But, some of the kids who are now older could be in Gorman Town or Cap Haitien for school or for whatever other reason. So, I am concerned about them as well. Minkenson, Daniel, Frito, Jean-Daniel, and a few others who I know are older.
So, I've got a broken heart.... but this is my prayer (besides lifting up all those I've just mentioned)
Lord, you know my heart... mend it and make it a heart ready to serve you still... you knew this whole time where we were to be going. I believe that you have been working on us as a team and building us up for whatever comes our way... help us to eventually see what it is you were planning the whole time. Prepare the team for what they will be hearing on Sunday, bind the devil from planting cynicism(sp?) in their hearts. Especially the ones who were previously hoping to return to Mexico. Be with us all,
Amen