the first time

We finally had our second meeting and have another one coming up this weekend. I'm really feeling like it's coming together now. During the meeting Steve read an awesome prayer, a journal entry from Henri Nouwen, Gracias!: A Latin American Journal
This was what it read:
Help us discover our own riches; don't judge us poor because we lack what you have.
Help us discover our chains; don't judge us slaves by the type of shackles you wear.
Be patient with us as a people; don't judge us backward simply because we don't follow your stride.
Be patient with our pace; don't judge us lazy simply because we can't follow your tempo.
Be patient with our symbols; don't judge us ignorant because we can't read your signs.
Be with us and proclaim the richness of your life which you can share with us.
Be with us and be open to what we can give.
Be with us as a companion who walks with us-neither behind nor in front- our search for life and ultimately for God!

After Steve read this over about three times, we sat and listened to what God would have us hear from those words and then slowly some of the team shared what He stirred up in them. I love hearing from these young people. It brings me back to that age and reminds me of the first thoughts I had about Haiti and how I was scared silly the first time. But at the same time, eager to experience sights and sounds that would really make me stop and think.
I wish I could record our discussion because I can't even remember exactly what any of us said, but it just spoke to me that they were really taking in the fact that this is going to be a completely different place to be. I can't wait to observe them and take in how it feels to experience it for the first time again. None of these youth have been to Haiti before and I'm stoked to be apart of their "first time" :). The last time I went as a leader it was easy to talk to the ones who had been there before and relate to the same experiences, but I think I overlooked the ones who hadn't been there before. I forgot how the first time feelings are so mixed... especially being in Port-Au-Prince. I remember that when I first was their, I didn't think I'd want to go back. I specifically can picture myself riding in the back of Dio's white toyota trooper with Steve and telling him that I didn't think I'd want to come again. Port was really hard for me, and I remember Steve saying, "And that's okay." But, how interestingly enough, that changed as I felt the love from Tricotte. It was horribly worse as far as physical conditions go, but there was just something about Tricotte... well like I just said it was the love. Though they have nothing physical, their hearts are HUGE and showed me what it meant to truly love. And I'll never forget that...
51 days and counting...

p.s. i found out at the last meeting that we will be staying in Port-Au-Prince for the first few days again. Yay.... I hope we get to stay at Dio's the first night again... that was AMAZING! Definitely one of the high-points from the last trip.

Different should be good...

I've been trying to pray often about this trip and how it will really be a different experience for me. The times I have gone there has always been two constant people with me, Erin Bennett(Miller) and Al Schuck. Two outstanding people that I have loved to experience Haiti with. I keep going back to this and wondering how it will be without them.
Without someone to say, oh, remember this and remember that. I don't want to keep telling the kids "this is what we did when I was here" or "this was so special because of this".... they'll get sick of it and it won't be the same anyways... but I still think there will be somewhat of a loss inside me. Even though God will totally be doing something new and different in me at the same time. I think those two feelings can co-exist, so I'm just trying to do what I can to prepare myself for that. It's already different right now, feeling like the trip and team should be more planned out and the team should be "gell-ing". But so far we've only had one meeting, and we barely talked together, so I just feel really disconnected and like I don't have a job besides trying to bridge the gap between the youth and the older co-leaders of mine.
So, as many of my journals tend to be, I am making this my prayer... that God would reveal to me new and exciting things through the youth and through the people and haiti itself. That He would continue working on this heart of mine that is so uncertain about my place as a leader in this trip. That any expectations of mine that I don't even realize I have, would be blown away and not get in the way of things that may go on. I ask you Holy Spirit to reveal to me what is is you want from me on this trip and use me beyound my imagination. I love you Jesus... Amen.

over and out my dear friends...

Big Heart

I was talking to my mom last night and she was informing me of the service at Open Door this past weekend. I missed hearing Steve Hanson (our missions pastor) speak on Africa, and aparently a woman from one of the African countries spoke as well. It sounds like she was a pretty impactful woman who is HIV positive and has an incredible message.
What hit me was that my mom was brought to tears by the slideshow, and it was more the reason for her tears that got me. It was that she finally really got it, how much my heart is burdened for haiti and the reason I have such a love for the place. And, it was the realization she had, that it doesn't necessarily have to be Haiti. It's about all the suffering that is out there, Haiti just happened to be the place that I saw it in first and it gripped my heart. There's something about that first place you go and see and experience it, you just want to be and do whatever you can to minister and be Jesus to them.
It touches me when people finally understand that, and can really embrace the reason my heart so longs to be in Haiti. (well, actually it's there often, it's just my physical body that isn't there as often as it would like to) This trip coming up will definitely be one that will test my true love of the place... maybe not test so much, but it will be very different not having some of the same people around me as I'm used to. I'm praying God will be at work in me and the team members... preparing us for what His plans are, not for some plans that we may have in mind.